


It's Not Unusual 1: The Baffling Donuts of Death

by Mallory Klohn (malloryklohn)



Series: It's Not Unusual [1]
Category: X Files
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-01-02
Updated: 2009-01-02
Packaged: 2017-10-02 04:03:10
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2423
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/malloryklohn/pseuds/Mallory%20Klohn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Perhaps or perhaps not related to the Mystery Cameraman in the series finale of The Denny's Cycle, some sick fuck has taken to having donuts delivered to Mulder's crime scenes.  But why!  Mulder and Skinner attempt to solve this problem with sex.  Goddamn I love slash fiction.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Not Unusual 1: The Baffling Donuts of Death

** It's Not Unusual I: **   
**The Baffling Donuts Of Death**

by Ethan Nelson

  


"Damn!" Dana Scully swatted her leg and gave her partner a disgusted  
look. "Why can't anybody die mysteriously in Palm Springs?" She held out  
her hand for his inspection. A cat-sized mosquito and a small quantity  
of blood were smeared on her palm.

"Somebody did, actually," Fox Mulder said, looking away. "I got the  
item the other day. An elderly woman drowned in her swimming pool."

"What's so mysterious about that?"

"Her husband saw something grab her leg."

She raised a brow. "Was there some kind of insurance settlement involved,  
by any chance?"

"You're so cynical, Scully." She smacked her arm. "I think there's some  
Deep Woods Off in the car, if you want it."

"That stuff bleaches my panty hose."

He held up his hands. "If you'd rather be a dead woman with no blood  
and attractive hosiery than a live one with a big lingerie budget, it's  
none of my business."

The forensics team milled around the area, sealing some things off and  
bagging others. The lot of them were ensconced in the Pike National Forest  
in Colorado. A hiker had discovered a corpse that had been mauled almost  
beyond recognition, the third of its kind. Mulder and Scully had been brought  
in because nobody seemed to be able to identify the animal responsible  
for the mutilation. And witnesses had seen... something.

The area was dark, and cool, and swarming with mosquitoes. From the  
looks of things, every mosquito in North America had been informed of Scully's  
arrival. They swarmed around her like Mulder had sometimes seen bees swarm.  
The seemed hell-bent on skeletonizing his partner, but they left him alone.

"How do you suppose she got here, Scully?"

"She wasn't dressed for a walk, that's for sure."

"Sleepwalking?"

"That's quite a trek, Mulder." It had taken them over an hour to reach  
the site by car. "No tire tracks before ours, no signs of dragging..."

"Maybe somebody carried her."

"Someone abducted her from her bed, carried her sixty miles out of town  
into the forest, _then_ set the dogs on her?"

"It wasn't dogs, Scully," he said faintly.

"What are you suggesting?"

He met her eyes, thinking. "I don't know."

"Yes you do."

Mulder wandered away from her. The only sounds in the forest were those  
created by the forensics team. A damp, soil smell permeated the air. He  
was about to speak when he heard it. He turned around. "Is that a car?"

"This area was supposed to be sealed off," Scully said, glaring at the  
sheriff.

The two of them ran in the direction of the noise and stopped when they  
spotted its source. A blue Ford Escort station wagon was speeding toward  
them. It showed no signs of slowing down.

"Federal agent! Stop the car!" The car skidded in the pine needles that  
carpeted the ground and came to a halt. Both agents drew their weapons.

"Get out of the car!"

A spindly young man emerged, dressed in jeans and a _Trainspotting_  
t-shirt. His hair was an unnatural shade of blonde. "I didn't do anything!"

"What are you doing here?" Mulder said, patting him down.

"Making a delivery, man. I swear."

"A delivery for who?"

He dug into his hip pocket and produced a slip of paper. "Fox Mulder,"  
he said.

Mulder's stomach bottomed out. _Oh, Christ_. Here it was. The moment  
he'd been waiting for. Dreading. "What is it?"

"It's in the car."

"Go get it."

He came back with a plain cardboard box. "Here you go."

Mulder held the box gingerly, but did not open it. It was a little big,  
but that didn't mean anything special...

"Mulder?"

"Can I go now?"

"Wait a minute." He stared at the box, willing himself to develop x-ray  
vision. His memories assailed him. Denny's Family Restaurant, AD Walter  
Skinner, the best sex of his life, and the son of a bitch with the mini-cam.  
He could still feel Walter's hands on him, rough, demanding, so arousing...  
Part of him cursed his memory, and part of him blessed it. He was tormented  
by these scenes, again and again, yes, but it was a damn sight better than  
what he was experiencing now.

The incident had really spooked his lover. Walter wouldn't even make  
eye contact with him now except to glare at him. No phone calls. No smooching.  
Absolutely _no_ copping of feels. To Mulder's mind, it was too

late now to worry about discretion. You screw a man in a public bathroom,  
you might as well have it simulcast on the Jumbotron in New York as hope  
you don't get caught. A fucking Denny's bathroom. Denny's bathrooms were  
probably the most popular bathrooms in the universe. Their food could make  
a decent bulimic of anyone. As much as he had enjoyed it, it had not been  
one of his more brilliant ideas.

"Mulder, I'll open it for you if you like."

"No..." His crazy side hoped it _was_ a video tape of their adventure.

The way things were looking with the real Walter, he might never have  
another chance to go to bed with him. He looked up. Scully was glaring  
at him. The delivery boy looked about ready to soil himself. Mulder tore  
open the box.

He blinked. "Bear claws?" The box was not precisely the right size for  
a video, but it was perfect for half a dozen donuts, which was what he  
held. He glared at the boy. "These are for me?"

"That's what the order said."

"Who placed it?"

"I don't know, man. Some guy. He paid in cash."

"What did he look like?"

"I don't know. I was in the back."

He looked back at the box. Who the hell even knew where he was just  
then but the people who were assembled there? "You were told to come here?  
Here specifically?"

"Yeah, all right? Look, I don't know anything."

"Scully, you got a buck?" She gave him another strange look, but fished  
one out for him. He handed it to the boy. "Get lost," he said. The boy  
scrambled to get back in the car and sped off even faster than he'd come.

"You think there's a connection?"

"I don't know. They're bear claws. Maybe it's a sign."

"Thank God he didn't send you the ones that look like tractor tires."

He gave her a thoughtful look. "Whoever did it had to know I was coming  
here before I did." He felt displaced somehow. This was so different from  
what he'd expected that he was poleaxed. "I don't even like bear claws."  
   
   


*** *** ***

  


"If you'll examine the photographs, sir, you'll notice the unusual nature  
of the wounds," Scully said, sliding the crime scene photos across Walter's  
desk.

He squinted. "Looks like cougar to me."

"Not quite, sir. The degree of mutilation and the pattern of the claw  
marks suggest something larger, something stronger."

"Which would be what, Agent Scully?"

"Some of the locals reported seeing catlike humanoids in the forest  
at night, Mulder said.

The AD nailed him with a look. "You're telling me that _this_,"  
he said, tapping the photographs, "is the work of rampaging were-beasts?"

"Skexies, sir."

"What?"

"The folklore refers to them as 'Skexies.'"

"And you theorize that they broke into Marcella Carroll's house, abducted  
her, and carried her into the forest for a blood sacrifice?"

His eyes never left Mulder's, barely blinked. His voice was calm. It  
ran over him like honey. And Mulder wanted nothing more in that moment  
but to usher Scully out of the room and let Walter lick it off. All the  
same, he knew this side of the AD as few did. He and Scully were about  
to get it good. The only way out was to fake a heart attack. Otherwise,  
before Mulder finished giving his report, Walter would rip him apart so  
viciously that people in offices three floors down would be giving him  
sympathetic looks for days. The man had a flair.

"Apparently, Ms. Carroll exhibited some unusual behavior prior to her  
disappearance," Scully said, trying to draw the bull away from its target.  
Brave woman. "She had taken to eating raw hamburger. Her companion told  
me Ms. Carroll also began roaming the house naked. Sleeping during the  
day."

"Uh--" Mulder cleared his throat. "Her behavior was consistent with  
that of several people who've disappeared from the region in the last ten  
years."

"You think she was one of them? Your _Skexies_?"

_Hoo boy. Here it comes_. "It would appear so, sir."

"Do you have a theory as to why her supposed kinsmen ripped her to pieces?"

"Well--"

"Do you have a theory as to how she got that far into the forest barefoot  
and wearing only her nightgown?"

"Sir--" Mulder began. Before he could say anything else, Scully leaped  
from her chair and bolted from the room. Neither man spoke. It wasn't as  
dramatic as the heart attack thing, but it would have to do. "Sir, do you--"

"Go." Mulder sprang from his seat, offering his thanks if not to God,  
then at least to the Fates. Right at that moment, he didn't care if Scully  
was pregnant with demon spawn. He was just grateful to be sprung.

"Agent Mulder?"

"Sir?"

"This meeting is not over yet. I want both of you back here as soon  
as possible."

"Even if I have to wheel Scully in on a gurney, sir, I'll be back."

Walter sighed. "All I get from you is insubordination."

Mulder started to say something, then changed his mind. Walter would  
come around eventually. He had to. Mulder just hadn't figured out how to  
make him do it, yet. He made it to the ladies' room in record time.

"Scully?" He knocked on the door. She didn't answer. "Scully, come on.  
If somebody sees me here, there's going to be a scandal. People are going  
to think we're getting it on." He waved at some guy from accounting as  
he passed by. "Scully, I'm going to tell someone you're having my baby  
if you don't answer me, at least."

With a world-weary sigh, he pushed open the door and walked inside.

Public bathrooms gave him the heebie-jeebies lately. The last time he'd  
been in the girls' bathroom was after a Boy Scout's meeting at his elementary  
school. Things hadn't changed all that much, he reflected. The sinks were  
situated higher against the wall. Hand-drying technology had certainly  
improved.

"Scully?"

"I'm fine, Mulder."

"Skinner is waiting for me to bring you back."

"I have to go home."

"You aren't pregnant, are you?"

"Maybe. I had the strangest dream the other night."

"If you're well enough to make fun of me, you can damn well come back  
to this meeting." One of the stalls opened and Scully stepped out. In the  
fluorescent lighting, her skin had a faint bluish cast to it. Her walk  
was uneven. her hair was mussed. "Hm," he said. "Maybe not."

"What did you do to him, anyway?"

His throat went dry. "What-- uh, what do you mean?"

"What do I _mean_? The man is in a permanent rage, Mulder. I'm  
amazed he hasn't called me at home to call me a name that slipped his mind  
at the office."

"It'll pass. Probably."

"That's terrific, Mulder. And in the meantime our AD can enroll his  
entire clerical department in stress management classes and you can continue  
to deplete the world's oxygen supply with your incessant sighing."

He blinked. "I've been _sighing_?"

"You have no idea. You--" her eyes widened and she disappeared into  
her stall again.

"Have I ever told you how glad I am that you aren't a noisy retcher?"

"Mulder," she groaned.

"Yeah?"

"Go away."

"I'll give you a lift home."

"That's not--" Silence. "Okay."  
   
   


*** *** ***

  


By the time he got back to the J. Edgar Hoover building, Mulder had  
been gone almost two hours. Every time he passed a large truck heading  
in the opposite direction on the drive back, he entertained a fantasy about  
swerving into its path. If he was very lucky, Walter would only have him  
castrated. If not... it wasn't hard to imagine the AD as Pinhead, decked  
out in a leather jerkin and snarling "Your suffering will be legendary."

He dragged his feet all the way back to Walter's office. When the AD's  
assistant spotted him, she gave him a look of patent dismay.

"Where's Dana?"

"I took her home. Flu."

"You're a dead man," she said.

Mulder raked his hair. ""Well, at least I'll go out in a blaze of glory."

Her intercom buzzed. "Yes, sir?"

"Is that Agent Mulder?"

She shot him a look. He started to inch away. "Yes, sir."

"Send him in."

"Yes, sir." She patted Mulder's arm. "I'll notify payroll."

"Never forget, Kim. You have the guys in accounting, but I have a gun."  
He opened the door to Walter's office quietly and shuffled inside. He didn't  
much like playing the submissive, but Walter was waiting for a reason to  
strike, and he wasn't about to give him one. The tension was damn near  
unbearable. Walter would fix him with a glare that was meant to be intimidating,  
and he would be left with a raging erection that lasted _way_ too  
long. A harsh word, which once would have gotten his back up, now made  
him whimper inwardly. He was going to start begging soon, he could tell.

Whether he knew it or not, Walter was the most merciless cock-teaser  
Mulder had ever encountered.

"Agent Mulder. If I'm not mistaken, I sent you out of this office almost  
three hours ago on the condition that you retrieve Agent Scully."

"I took her home, sir. She's got the flu."

"I see. When did she move to Kansas?"

"She asked me to pick up some groceries."

He gave the agent a look of interest. "Is it double coupon day?"

His face burned. _Oh God, Walter, come on_... "They had a hell  
of a deal on tuna, sir."

"Agent Mulder--"

"I wasn't dogging it, all right? I took her home and I bought her some  
fucking groceries. I didn't go to a matinee, I didn't stop for lunch, and  
I wasn't involved in a hold up."

"Mulder--"

"I said I'd come back, and I did. I'm sorry I didn't jump through any  
burning hoops to get here, but I'll be frank with you, _sir_, I wasn't  
all that anxious to get back."

"Mulder--"

"I'm willing to accept that you're tense and you're riding my ass more  
than usual, but I'm just as fucking tense as you are and I'd rather have  
you _really_ ride my ass than have you put me through this goddamned

_caning_  
every time I open my mouth."

"Will you shut up for a minute, for Christ's sake?"

"What?" _Ooh, smooth, Mulder_. And people said there was no evidence  
to support the occurrence of demonic possession.

"Mulder--" This time Walter was interrupted not by Mulder, but by a  
knock on the door. Expelling an angry breath, he crossed the room swiftly  
and threw open the door. Kim stood in the doorway, looking petrified and  
carrying a medium-sized cardboard box.

"I have a delivery for Agent Mulder, sir. The delivery man said it was  
urgent." Mulder took the box and let Walter trap him in the office.

"Aren't you going to open it?"

"No."

"If it's urgent--"

"It's not."

"I'll tell you what, Agent Mulder," he said, collapsing in his chair.  
"If it's urgent enough to warrant interrupting our _meeting_, I want  
you to open it."

Mulder fixed him with a stare. "Is that an order, sir?"

"It is now."

With a heavy heart, Mulder opened the box. An even dozen crullers nestled  
inside.

"Donuts?"

"Donuts," he agreed. That settled one thing, anyway. Walter wasn't sending  
them.

"I was interrupted for an urgent donut delivery?"

"I bet you skipped lunch, didn't you?"

Walter turned red in the face, and all hell broke loose.  
   
   


*** *** ***

  


"_Give me the keys, you fucking cocksucker_."

Mulder sighed. Saturday night, he wasn't out of town, and the most exciting  
thing he could come up with was Jiffy Pop and _The Usual Suspects_.  
Not that it wasn't a great movie, but those guys all had too damn much  
hair for what he was in the mood for just then. Only Gabriel Byrne was  
even somewhat attractive to him. Talk about a lot of hair.

The odd thing was, he thought until those fucking donuts arrived that  
he'd actually gotten through to his lover. It was frustrating. The man  
had all but burst a blood vessel, and Mulder's own anger had vanished as  
mysteriously as it had come. He could only stand there and let Walter scald  
him about respect, consideration, professionalism, world hunger, cancer,  
the ozone layer... Why couldn't the man say what he meant?

He blamed Mulder for their predicament. Not only was it his fault for  
inviting Walter to screw him in the Denny's handicapped access stall, he  
was also responsible for the fact that the AD had been unable to resist.  
And Mulder had not even been in top form that day.

"_It was the cops' fault. You don't put five guys like that in a room  
together_."

Mulder snickered in spite of himself. He had seen this movie several  
times, and he _had_ always thought Fenster and McManus were unusually  
close. _Huh. Huh-huh. He said "cocksucker."_

Jiffy Pop and a video. He looked at the clock. Twelve thirty. In a perfect  
world, he'd be on his stomach in Walter's bed by now. In this world, however,  
he was alone, a little horny, bored, and the victim of some crazed donut  
stalker. He wasn't convinced that Scully's illness wasn't related somehow.  
He hadn't eaten any of the bear claws, but she had. So had the sheriff  
and Desmond from forensics. Was it too late to call them? The thought had  
scarcely formed in his head when the phone rang.

"Mulder."

"Can you come over?"

"What, you forgot to tell me about how your dad can beat up my dad?"

"Someone's left a package on my doorstep."

"What is it?"

"A videotape. I think it was meant for you."

"Why do you say that?"

"I haven't watched much of it, but it's porn."

Mulder smiled. "You're calling me up in the middle of the night to invite  
me over to your place to watch a skin flick?"

"Forget it."

"Walter, wait! Wait, I'll come."

"I don't want to put you out."

"Don't be a prick. I'm on my way."

"Fine."

"Walter?"

"What?"

"Wear something frilly, okay?" The AD hung up.  
   
   


*** *** ***

  


Mulder was still knocking on Walter's door when it swung open. The AD  
wore jeans and a shirt he hadn't bothered to button. Bastard. This was  
the last straw, Mulder thought. If Walter tried to send him away tonight,  
he was going to beg for the first time in years. Walter's body language  
was all rejection, in spite of his highly inviting attire. Arms crossed  
over his chest, he stood stiffly, giving Mulder his very best forbidding  
glare.

"Agent Mulder."

He smirked. "Assistant Director Skinner."

"You want something to drink?"

"Wine?"

"I'll get it. _Don't move_." He said it almost angrily, stalking  
away.

Mulder had taken care preparing for this visit, and the time had obviously  
been worth it. He was a stud puppy and he knew it. A little smile, a little  
touch... Walter was on the verge. It wouldn't take much to bring him back  
to the Dark Side.

"I think this is the first time you've ever obeyed me, Mulder."

"I'm not stupid, Walter. You probably know how to kill a man using only  
two fingers."

Walter massaged his neck. "I've been a little harsh lately."

"Just a little."

"There's a rumor going around that Agent Scully poisoned herself to  
get away from me for a while."

"Guess who started it?" Mulder smiled gently, moving closer. He could  
feel the heat of the AD's skin. "Walter..."

He broke away and led Mulder to the living room. "Whoever left the video  
waited until I'd just fallen asleep."

"At least you're still sleeping," the agent muttered.

Walter turned on the TV and seated himself in a chair. Mulder sighed  
dramatically and relaxed, sipping his wine.

There were no credits, and there was no "story." The video was a compilation  
of sorts, a greatest hits collection of come shots, blow jobs, and three-ways,  
gay, straight, and bi. Whoever had made this had cut directly from one  
video to the next, with no lead-ins or fade-outs. It was disjointed and  
nearly comical. Mulder had seen episodes of _Matlock_ that were sexier  
than this.

"Fast forward, Walter." For a minute it was more of the same, hyperactive.  
And that _was_ comical. But then... "Wait. Go back."

The AD did so, and suddenly the two of them were looking at a hand-written  
title card reading _Denny's Does Dallas: An FBI Production._

"Oh Jesus."

_Starring Fox "Manhandler" Mulder_.

"Now _that's_ cheesy."

_Also starring Walter "Slip Me Some" Skinner_.

"Can't we just watch Jenny Jones?"

The opening shot was a panoramic view of the Denny's parking lot. Hokey  
pan flute was dubbed over the noise of traffic. The camera panned across  
the parking lot to show Mulder and Walter heading inside. The picture faded  
out, and faded in to reveal the two of them chatting over meals of questionable  
nutritional value. Video Mulder got up and staggered out of the frame.

"Walter, do we have to watch this?"

He raised a brow. "You find the subject matter distasteful?"

"Strangely enough, I do." He looked at the screen. Video Walter commenced  
with stealing Mulder's fries. "I wondered about that," he said.

Video Walter got up and headed for the bathroom. Fade-out.

The camera panned across the men's room and came to rest on the handicapped-access  
stall. The pan flute faded out. Mulder could be clearly heard moaning ecstatically,  
calling out Walter's name.

"I _told_ you you were too loud." A close-up on the crack in the  
door caught Walter's naked ass and Mulder's head over the AD's shoulder.

"Gratuitous butt shot," Mulder said.

The camera moved into the next stall, a little bumpy now as the cameraman  
mounted the toilet. And then, there they were: Walter rutting against Mulder  
as if the fate of the planet hung in the balance, Mulder bucking against  
him, his cast skidding on the tile.

"That was fun, though, wasn't it?" he said quietly.

"Yeah."

Video Mulder came, hard and loud. His head fell back, and his eyes opened,  
and the screen blacked out. After a second, the picture was filled with  
_Scooby-Doo_.

"Was there anything with it? A note, anything?"

"Just the video."

"Goddamn it. What's the point?"

"To put a scare into us, maybe."

"Well, he's certainly fucking succeeded at that," Mulder said, pacing.  
"It took extortion to get an invitation out of you, and I wasn't even sleeping  
when you called. And this wasn't an invitation, was it?"

"No."

"Walter, this is crazy. I hate this, don't you?"

"You know I do."

"Somebody already knows. Whether we're together or not, it's pointless.  
If he wants to out us, it's done."

_Ah yes. Full begging mode. How very admirable_. He crossed to  
the window, taking deep breaths. This didn't have to be a fiasco. Not any  
more of one, anyway. When he turned back to face Walter again, he gave  
his lover a warm smile.

"Oh no you don't," Walter said.

"Yes."

"_No_."

Mulder approached him slowly, unbuttoning his shirt as he went. "Enough  
is enough. You can't call me over here in the middle of the night looking  
like that and expect me to behave."

"Agent Mulder--"

"Don't Agent Mulder me." He dropped his shirt and draped himself over  
Walter's lap. "My friends call me 'Manhandler.'"

"With friends like that--"

Mulder seized his head in both hands and plunged his tongue between  
Walter's teeth. The AD moaned helplessly, shifting his hips, trying to  
keep his erection from grinding into Mulder's ass. But the agent was on  
to him, and moved his own hips accordingly. He slid his tongue into Walter's  
ear and was rewarded with a yelp.

"I'm going to lose it right now," the AD complained.

"That's what's wrong with you, Walter. No restraint." Mulder shimmied  
out of his pants and tossed them aside.

"_My_ problem?"

Mulder started to go to work on Walter's pants. He paused. "This is  
an interesting logistical problem."

"It's a sign. Get off me."

"Your mouth says no," he said in his best Pepe Le Peu voice, "But your  
eyes, they say yesss."

"I'm in love with the village idiot," Walter muttered. But he didn't  
dump Mulder on the floor.

"Borderline retarded men are the hottest. I always knew you liked 'em  
big and stupid." He slid out of Walter's lap and knelt between his legs.

The AD lifted his hips, and Mulder tugged his jeans off. He was naked  
beneath them.

"Ooh, this _was_ an invitation." He stroked Walter's thighs. Now  
that he had him, he didn't know what to do first. The agent kissed his  
way along the inside of Walter's thigh, alternately licking and biting,  
purring inside. When he got to the AD's cock, he hesitated.

"Do you still want me to stop?"

Walter gave him an incredulous look. "Do you really want to find out  
if I can kill a man with two fingers?" Mulder's mouth closed over him.  
The AD sucked in a breath. "Ohhh... yes..."

Mulder felt his lover's hands clench in his hair, trying to guide him,  
to hurry him. But he'd waited weeks for this, and he wasn't about to rush  
now. He massaged Walter's balls and licked his way down to the root, dragging  
his teeth along the underside on the way back. He took the head into his  
mouth and sucked it mercilessly, stroking the shaft just so...

"Mulder... no..."

He stopped abruptly. "No?" Any lingering doubts he may have had about  
Walter's continued agility were dispelled. He became The Flash, just for  
an instant, and Mulder found himself lying on his back with his legs over  
the AD's shoulders.

"I think I just experienced missing time."

Walter thrust slowly inside him. With only his saliva and the AD's pre-ejaculate  
for lubrication, it wasn't an easy fit, but Mulder didn't particularly  
care. He arched his back and moaned happily. "_Yes_."

There was a knock on the door. Walter's head shot up. "_No_."

"God_damn_ it! Just ignore it, Walter," he said desperately. The  
AD pulled out and scrambled into his jeans. "Walter, come on..."

"Go upstairs. I'll take care of it."

"Fuck."

"Go."

Mulder collected his clothing and mounted the stairs. After a brief  
consideration, he decided to hole up in the bedroom. He dumped his clothing  
on the floor and leapt on to the bed. He had only just settled into the  
blankets when Walter appeared in the doorway.

He smirked. "You don't give up easily, do you?"

"Come here."

"Not that I wouldn't like to, but it seems our midnight caller is looking  
for you."

Mulder was disgusted. "Is he by any chance carrying a cardboard box?"

"It's funny you should ask."

Mulder grabbed his slacks and staggered into them on his way out the  
door, muttering under his breath.

"Mulder."

"He's the next man off your balcony, Walter, I swear to God." He thundered  
down the stairs. The delivery boy stood in Walter's doorway, looking like  
he wished he'd stayed in school.

"Mister Mulder?"

"Who do you work for?"

"Dunkin Donuts, sir."

"Who placed this order?"

"I don't know."

"Right." He dug around in his pockets and came up with a dollar. "Here.  
Now fuck off."

"I--"

"There's another hundred in it for you if you refuse to serve that guy  
the next time he comes in. "Mulder shoved him into the hallway and slammed  
the door shut. He swung around to find Walter opening one of the boxes."

"How many are there?"

"Two dozen, looks like."

"Don't touch them. I'm going to have them analyzed."

He smirked. "You're going to send two dozen long johns down to the lab  
and expect them to _analyze_ them?"

"Where was Kim yesterday?"

"Home sick again."

"What did you do with the last batch of donuts?"

"You think somebody's sending you tainted pastry?"

"You have a better explanation?"

"Half the bureau is out with the flu right now, Mulder. I didn't see  
Jesus handing out your donuts."

"I'm having them analyzed," he said firmly.

"All right, all right. But you can't do it now." He pulled Mulder into  
his arms. Off came the agent's pants. "Let's go back upstairs."

"Fuck the donuts," he said.


End file.
